Why Blog?

This is the question of the hour. I have told a total of one other person that I was writing a blog. Why? Do you want people watching you, our kids? Well, do you have a group? ( A what?) I have even asked myself, am I grasping at something? Grasping for people, their attention? Grasping at a link to the real world outside of this ark? So, I sat and thought about this for a long time. Wasted time thinking. I do that well. I can worry the handle off of a spigot.

I have struggled over last year with a deep depression. It is a deep,heavy weight in the center of my torso. It sits and feels like a muddy cement, keeping me from really living this life, my life. It kept me from enjoying my kids, my critters, my marriage. Slowly, I have pulled away from the sludge in the middle. Partly through the discovery that, THERE ARE OTHER MOM'S who have the same trials and struggles. It made me feel validated to know that I am not the only mother who really doesn't want to be mommy every single second of every single day.

My hope is that getting some of my thoughts and struggles out of my head and into a more concrete form will help me never get back to the dark, low place that I sat in. I sat in this place and really though I was the worst kind of person, the kind of person who had happy, beautiful children but did not want to do it for another second. It's ok to want, need, desperately crave a break from it all. And is so sweetly satisfying to know that other women, other mothers feel the exact same way.

There is fun to be had during the day, there are crazy things that go on. There is frustration. They are getting older. I prayed for it, desperately pleaded for them to get older, so it would get easier. Well, they did, it is.