Why do I do this to myself

How do I reconcile this overwhelming feeling of " I can't keep them safe if I can't see them?" When a mother has a new baby to being home there is this intense, overwhelming feeling of fear, at least there was for me. This little, tiny perfect but completely helpless baby is mine. This baby is of me. This baby is from me and part of me. This baby is my responsibility to keep safe and alive. For me, the fear was exponential to anything I ever felt. It is something that I have struggled with 3 times. I doubted my ability to do it. To keep them safe, and health and breathing. Part of my brain told me over and over again that I needed to give 100% of my self to my babies just so they didn't stop breathing. Overwhelming. PTSD at it's finest. I have seen babies who have died. Whose parents did everything "right" and something just happened and their baby dies. That was what my brain told me I must guard against. That is a huge task. It bit deep into me and my fear of them not breathing if I couldn't see them wore me out. Mentally and physically. Perhaps you can understand this, even to a small extent, because you have children too. But you have a normal world and a normal brain so you get past it by learning ever minute that you can do this. I got it, it just took medication, I can chuckle at that now but for a long time I was ashamed to admit I was on medication. But seriously after not sleeping at all for 8 days, something had to give...

Flash forward to those babies that I panicked about day in and day out for a really long time are now 7 and 5 and 3. They are healthy, happy, active and smart. I did it so far. And now, now I am back to almost step 1 of the process because we got a pool. Mind you it's not a 10 foot deep in-ground pool. It is a 1000 gallon, 30 inch deep pool that they are totally freaking thrilled about having. But the 3 year old was already trapped by his freaking, goddamn life jacket on his belly and he couldn't figure out how to stand up. So, the next statement is that I want to take it down. You see, I have to go to work tomorrow and will not be here with them and my husband, their dad, to watch them like a fucking hawk so nobody drowns unnoticed ( because a noticed drowning is soooo much better, fuck.) My husband says my piece of mind is worth the cost of water and hassle to put it back up when I am ready for it. For any normal worry wart that would be a relief. But not this freak. I don't want to disappoint the kids. For fucking real lady? Worry about them drowning, but then continue worrying about that because you don't want them to cry about spilled water. Yeah, because I never, ever got shit like this when I was a kid. We didn't have a pool. There isn't anything really to do either around here for the kids, so a pool was a great option. Until I realized TONIGHT at MIDNIGHT that they could totally get into the damn thing and drown if I am not watching like a hawk. I hate myself and these fights I have with myself. I second guess everything because I am not sure if I am over reacting or not. And, why didn't I think about the huge drowning danger that I was placing in my yard, my yard where I JUST got comfortable with them playing in ALONE -- like without hawking them, BEFORE buying the damn thing and making them fucking happy for 2 whole days?