Friday, May 18, 2012

No Happily Ever After

I have such a feeling of despair. How deep it runs is shocking to me. I can't really even pinpoint exactly when it started.

From the moment I met him, I was drawn to his quietness. He didn't have much to say and seemed so shy. I know that he lacked confidence in the girl department. That didn't bother me, it was endearing. He treated me more respect than any guy I had ever known, dated, liked, loved. It meant a lot at that time. I had been out of a very, very, very bad relationship for about a year I guess when we started dating. It was so refreshing having a guy who was so thoughtful, so respectful. We didn't really share too many interests though.

We met at the firehouse, the one that I had been a volunteer in for 5 years. The place where I had already gained the respect of the guys because they knew when push comes to shove, I shove as hard they do. I could do my job, well. I could help others do their job well. He was there because of his best friend. He was a bit out of place, but he did the job. He didn't excel. Physically he wasn't all that cut out for it really. But I didn't care. It didn't matter to me at all.

Maybe the fact that when he would not stop socializing with my ex, the one who tried to grind me in the dirt, until I told him it was me or him that I should have known he would never have the common sense to know how to make a relationship work. The things that people " get " naturally, he did not. The first time you invite your new girlfriend over to hang out you shouldn't plop yourself in front of a computer screen. I laughed it off, because I knew he was inexperienced, and I actually grew to expect it and used the time to nap - I was in college FT, working nearly FT and volunteering FT too. I figured if part of being with him was his games than I could just catch up on my sleep. He sure didn't mind.

I hadn't really given too much thought to weather or not this was something that defined who he was. I should have thought it. My fault.

Slowly the things I loved got pushed aside because he wasn't into it. Like biking, hiking, taking Jake to the parks. I don't know why I didn't have enough confidence in my own self to be happy with myself and not need a guy. I realize now that I need to feel like someone loves me and will take care of me. It probably comes from having a mother who did not, does not, and probably never will. I don't know the psychology behind it, but I am sure it is there.

Maybe I am too complacent, it was easy to be with him. Even when I felt like he never wanted to do anything but sit in front of a screen, he still treated me better than anyone else had. I wanted for nothing for the most part, if I saw something that I liked he eventually bought it for me, though that was not my motive. So the fact that I was giving up little parts of me didn't seem to matter. I know that he genuinely loved me then, and loves me now. But I am no longer sure why. The person I am or was, is so far gone that even I don't like being me. I hate that I have allowed myself to become a couch potato. I hate not having made it a huge point to share my love of nature with my children and show them why I loved it so much.

Before we got married, I told him that I wanted a family. Mom, Dad, kids who were a unit. I wanted him to be an involved father. If he couldn't do that I needed to know. I told him that the computer could not interfere. I told him if I ever came home from work and he was ignoring the baby because he was in front of the computer, I would throw it out the window. Even grown kids know idle threats I guess. I should have stood up for the marriage and relationship I wanted before now. Part of me didn't think I should or could. I felt selfish because my parents adore him. The mother who has never been there for me, I should have seen the clue. But my dad too, my dad thinks the world of him and whenever I have tried to tell him that I shoulder every responsibility and can not rely on him he made light of it, so I let it go. Clearly there is something wrong with me and my expectations. I am selfish. I want more than I deserve. The phrases are imbedded in my brain first placed by my mother, pounded in by the boyfriend from hell. Never taken and thrown away. Always those thoughts linger. Just because he is nice and doesn't hit and doesn't call names, does that mean that I don't deserve to feel as though I can rely on him to be my rock, to the rock of our children? I had always put him first. I guess that is what happens when you never put yourself first, you always feel like you deserve less.

I just don't know how to fix this. I have told him how let down I am. He was fired from his job in September and still does not have another job that has prospect for health insurance and some stability. He has had one interview. He thinks that it is ok because he is trying to find a new career. But what about the rest of us? My life is seriously the only one that has changed. I am so sleep deprived from really long, really crazy work hours and he can not remember to take the kids backpacks to school. WTF.

I cry so much right now, not knowing how to make this right for my kids, for me. I don't want to live like this. Sad, overwhelmed, frightened for our security. I don't want to my children's dad from them. But when do I start to take care of me? Do I get the right as a mother to make these decisions? Somewhere along the way I lost my best friend, was it my own damn fault?

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