0.88

Deep down, I know that we have very supportive families. Both of our sets of parents have pledged their help and support in any way possible. My husbands parents may be able to help financially if we need them to. And, I really do know that it could be so much worse. No one has died or been struck seriously ill.

My chest squeezes so tight I can barely breathe when I think about the phone call that came on Friday. My husband was " terminated." After 13 years of dedication and hard work for a corporate giant. He often gave more to the giant than to me, to his kids, to his family. Panick attacks grip me at the unexpected times of day these last few days. It is horrifying and humiliating. I know that at this very moment, we are ok. We are under a roof which doesn't leak, with windows that aren't cracked or broken. We have food in our fridge and pantry, and a tomato plant that hasn't realized it is mid-October and just sprouted 6 tiny new tomato's. The shoes still feet on their feet at this moment, we have enough clothing that fits on their bodies. We aren't behind on our bills now, so maybe if we start falling behind we can work something out. The feed bins for our furries are mostly full. Hopefully the preschool that Catie and Alex go to will be willing to work with us. It is a wonderful school, they love it, Catie especially is thriving. Fear. I know it could be worse. How do I decide where the money goes when there is none. Will we lose the house before long, or should I hope that they don't foreclose and pay utilities so we are warm and clean and able to cook and clean. How do I negotiate a lower car insurance premium? The fear closes around me and makes it feel like I am being sucked down into a pit with the air holding me under.

I am hoping that with this, he will become more involved. We will do more as a family together. I hope that he will start being a husband and daddy again. I hope that this is the message for our family, because if it isn't than I don't know what THE HELL YOU ARE TELLING US GOD. 0.88 is the number in our account. Please don't let anyone get sick, or hurt, after October 31 because I will not know what to do God. Really, I will not know what to do.