A Little Smile Goes A Long Way

Blogging is slipping again, from the list of things to do. My husband doesn't have a job. We don't have health insurance. I am lucky to have my own job, one that can give me extra hours, because there are always people calling for help. But, I am tired. So, so tired. I know his job loss isn't his fault. Really, I do. But I find myself being so angry and resentful. It seems that only my life has changed. I am working 16 and 24 hour shifts. I am finding that my age is creeping up on me. My knees are sore, my back is sore and I am weary. I want to cry. I know that I am not the only person, mother, wife to feel like this. But sometimes it feels like I am so alone. I miss my babies so badly yet I get short tempered and snap at them. I want to halt time so they can stay little for just a moment longer and yet I want them to get older so I can come in from work at 7am and go to sleep. Depression sucks. Even if all were right in my little world it would still be there creeping in like a serpent trying to suck me down into it's deep, dark, vacuum. My babies are happy, they are healthy, we do have a roof over our heads, heat comes from our furnace, water runs cool or warm. We have enough to eat. I know it could be so much worse.

We splurged big time last Friday and took the kids to see Arthur Christmas. They all got a box of candy (from 5 Below) and we shared a large soda and popcorn. They all loved it and wore their 3D glasses and it almost made me feel completely better for having missed Thanksgiving with them because I worked.

Alex is totally our comedian. He has made me want to strangle him and laugh out loud in the exact same moment from his antics. As I scolded my oldest for inappropriate behavior at the dining room table, Alex says " hey Mommy, you be nice to Anthony." So, I sternly tell my Alex, " you are being fresh, you do not talk to Mommy or Daddy like that, do not talk back." To which Alex slaps his forehead while saying " wooont woont woont!" " I am a secret agent." "Yes, Alex you are a secret agent!" And a Mimja Mommy, a mimja fireman.

At least he made me smile again :o)

My secret agent, ninja fireman wearing his 3D glasses at his first movie!

School Woes

Anthony is an old-pro at this thing called going to school. He had daycare when I was working full time as a paramedic. Then when I started staying home because daycare outpriced my salary he went to preschool. For 2 years. Then full day kindergarten, Praise God! Somehow though, the switch to the public school system for elementary school has been really difficult for me. Aside from the fact that I am catholic and baptised my children catholic and fully intended them to go to catholic school, aside from feeling like I am letting down my dad for not sending him to catholic school, aside from the fact that I know, I really do know, the public school system has more to offer than catholic school ( even with the funding cuts), I still feel anxious sending him off for the day. I suddenly feel like my baby is alone in an unending sea of other kids. He was one of 33 kindergartners last year. He is one of 20 1st graders this year, but the school is SO BIG. It's a huge mass of people swarming the building every morning and afternoon. It's my fear though. He, has had no trouble with this change.

goodbye mom sigh

He did not cooperate with 1st day of school, 1st day of FIRST GRADE ANTH--- pictures. Seriously, the only thing he is bugged about is lunch. I pack his lunch.

3

In my thirtieth year, I gave birth to my third child. Lots of 3's right there. And in my thirty third year, he turned -------- 3!.

My third child, my baby boy was the biggest, best, scariest surprise I ever received. Biggest, because the only bigger surprise I can think of is well, I can't. Best, because I wouldn't trade him for anything. Scariest, well, I wasn't planning on a third. His sister was only six months old. We were BROKE. Broke. I already had postpartum depression, how the hell could this be happening again??? Well, I know how it happened, but really God, do you really think this is a good idea? Me, as a mother of 2 is kind of pathetic, you are going to add a THIRD to this mix, and what? You'll hope for the best for the child, for the mother? I was so scared. I was so angry. And then scared again. I already doubted my ability to mother the children I had. I felt overwhelmed and anxious and I worried all the time. I didn't have fun with this thing called motherhood, and here we go again. That was three years ago.

I still have PPD. I still have fear. We are still broke. I still don't know how to have fun with this thing called motherhood on many days. But oh how they make me melt. Especially this third child, my baby boy who is not a baby anymore. He is 3 now. He will start preschool, and I will cry when I let him. Because he is my "last" baby. Happy Birthday Alex! You are such a funny boy. You are strong willed and you really know that people see you. You know you leave a mark! You add hilarity to everything you do even when I am restraining my self from locking you in a closet! The way you tell me " shhh mommy, you need to use nice words to me!" makes me want to laugh my ass off and swat your behind at the same time. You still LOVE your " NIE-NITE!" I do too kiddo. Love you my little man.

The last night as a 2 year old!

I'm not listening to you people sing Happy Birthday to me!

Tuckered out after a long birthday, Mommy's heart melted!

All they do is fight.

It seems like all they do is fight. They scream at each other. They grab from each other. And I respond by yelling. So how do we get out of this mess? I want my children to love and care for each other. I want them to share more and consider each others feeling more. What am I doing wrong that they are so combative. How can I change my parenting to help them get along better, to love each other better. Can I teach this? Yet another thing I feel like I am failing at. But, there are some sweet moments that they play so well together and it is like gold- we have very little gold in this bunker.