A Post-Christmas, Christmas Post

Christmas is a 2 day long event at our house. We spend Christmas Eve with my husbands family at his parents house. We have dinner and presents there and then go home. This year I decided that I was going to make a new fun little Christmas eve tradition. While we are out at the Grandparent's house, Santa's elves were to have magically delivered special new Christmas pajamas for the little people to wear to bed! The mother elf spent an inordinate amount of time finding the perfect pajama's. They were in cute Christmas bags and attached to one bag was Santa's magic key. What is Santa's magic key; you ask? Let me tell you, when my 4 year old daughter told me Santa used his magic key to get in our house because we don't have a chimney, I said the same thing out loud, except I think I dropped the F bomb in there. Thanks to her most favorite uncle in the world, I had to come up with a special, magic key that we leave outside for Santa to get in our house. This was a week before Christmas. I found a damn Santa key type thing at the card store in an ornament form, which cost 15 damn dollar's and was not returnable, of course... So, lets flash back to the PJ's and magic and stuff. The key was obtained, I even wrote a little poem and covered it with contact paper and made a ribboney thing and tied it to one of the pajama bags. Mom mom's help was enlisted and she popped on over after we left and made sure the pajama magic happened so on our return they would find the wonderful surprise that Santa's elves left for them. Idyllic magic be erased. 2 out of 3 kids fell asleep on the way home and were not at all happy being awoken when we had gotten home. Catie and Alex were so tired and they cried and cried and cried and really just wanted to go to bed. They absolutely, completely, adamantly refused to wear the new pajamas, they didn't give half a shit about Santa's elves. Anthony, the oldest was very happy. He found the key and read the poem and was totally into it. So, I guess it was worth it and I swear I will do this to for them for the next 30 years, so they better start wearing the pajamas.

Anthony saves the day and put's the key out for Santa

Christmas morning went a whole lot better, probably because a toy store had diarrhea in our living room.

Lest we forget that the reason behind Christmas is the birth of Christ, my little people melt my heart and insist on having birthday cake and singing Happy Birthday to baby Jesus. ( I would add the video here, but don't know how to do that.)

It was a long 2 days filled with family and love and food and of course presents.

Christmas eve picture at Grandmom's house

The only thing better than torturing the kids, is torturing the cats.

Christmas Pajama's - Yay Anthony

Possible Facebook Statuses...

1. " Oh, New Year's was great, until an overdose happened."

2. " Nothing like an attempted suicide to kill the holiday spirit."

3. " How'd we ring in the New Year? Filling out 302 papers."

4. "Oh, everything was great, except for the accidental ingestion of pills."

5. " Hey, nothing like a good stomach pumping to ring in the New Year."


I have been trying so hard for the last few days to bring levity to a very troubling situation. I have felt fear, worry, concern and outright anger and outrage. You see, the story is a long one. Not one I will tell very well. My emotions are strong, and have surprised even me a bit.

On Monday, January 2, 2012 we decided to enjoy our last day of Christmas Break with the kiddos and go out to breakfast. We rarely go out to eat with the monsters. They are loud and get antsy as little people will do. The very smart host gave us a large corner booth, and the kids were really very good and had a good time. Joe and I talked about driving out to his parents house because we missed the holiday party because Alex had a fever of 103 for 6 straight days. I wasn't going to take my sick little boy to a party when he felt like crud and also could spread whatever germs were cultivating themselves in his snot to all those at the party. He was fever free for 2 days finally so lets go we decided. Thank GOD the phone rang before we were done breakfast.

His father was calling because, he thinks that grandma took his pills, a lot of them. She isn't waking up right. It's been 2 days.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Two days? Well, you see, they had an argument early in the morning on new years day. So he didn't realize she was in bed all day because she was wacked out on his pills.

Go, I told my husband. Just go. Call me, let me know.

Fear. Fear. Fear. A little bit of relief when he calls and says an ambulance is on it's way. She's awake but lethargic. Ok. Just get her to the hospital.

He calls again. She is writing him off, she is writing his sister off, she is writing her husband off. WE didn't go to her party. We hate her and her family. His sister won't leave her be, won't let her just go to sleep. Excuse me? You are now casting guilt to your children? ANGER.

She won't see them. She won't talk to them. She doesn't want them near her. More ANGER.

She is going home. She still hasn't spoken to her son. She hasn't apologized, she hasn't given a reason. She needs help. Is anybody listening? She needs help.

When my husband finally got home from the hospital, I came undone. I was scared and angry at the same time. Would this happen again? What will happen next? Where the hell did this come from?

The totality of my anger has surprised me. At first I didn't understand it. But, I have finally figured out the reasons for the intensity of my anger. First and foremost, she is not allowed to put that kind of fear and responsibility on her children. By sake of being " mother " you do not have permission to destroy your children. I will not give you the permission to make my husband, your son, feel like this is his fault. Period. Harsh? A bit. Where is my understanding you ask? You see, my understanding went away when she made it well known that my need for anti-depressant medications to battle severe post-partum depression is unacceptable. She DID NOT EVER FEEL DEPRESSED WHEN SHE HAD CHILDREN. Anger. I have been on that ledge. I have looked over and thought, all I have to do is jump and there will be no more pain. It hit me nearly as hard that if I did it, my children would be torn to pieces and they did not, do not, will not ever deserve that. Period. I got help. She looked down upon me. Anger. Clearly there is something deeper going on inside of her. Get help. Please do not do this to your children. You will not put my children through this. Get help.

My wishes

2012

For Anthony, my sensitive, smart, energetic boy: That you may develop your sense of self and know always that who you are is exactly who you are supposed to be. You are by far the most intelligent child I have ever met. I worry that it will be too much pressure for you at such a young age. I worry that in school you will not always be just like everyone else. Of course, nobody is just like anyone else. I hope you can cultivate long, lasting friendships. I wish I wasn't so much a loner myself that I don't know how to approach the other mother's and find ways for you to play with your friends outside of school. I am sure as you get a little older and a little more independent that you will be able to go meet up with friends and play, right now I feel like you are missing having playmates your own age.

It is an incredible joy to me watching you grow and learn. Your love of learning is something I hope you will always hold on to. Never stop learning, and never stop teaching. I love watching and hearing you help your sister write words. I hope you learn your Daddy's patience because when you do, you will be such a great teacher. You already love helping others and I really think you always will.

For Caitlin, my all in girl who loves blue, dirt, bugs and ballerina's: That you will always give everything you've got to your task or idea at hand. Never stop playing in the dirt, while wearing your best dress. If you take your individual style and apply it to everything you do you will always be doing something amazing. Your creativity and imagination are so beautiful. Continue to love and laugh with reckless abandon. I hope you will always find such joy in your life as you do now, wether it's petting the kitty or playing in the sand box you do it your own way, and that will take you places my love. Keep wearing your patent leather, yellow Doc's!

For Alex, my comedian and sweet, kind boy who does everything with all of his heart. From whole body Alex hugs to single minded obsessions. Don't ever forget the things you love. Explore all of your world. Always make people laugh, and never use your incredible sense of humor to hurt. I know that you will always laugh with people. You do not have a mean bone in your little body, yet you do know that you make an impact on everyone with everything you say and do. The smile on your face and joy in your words are incredible gifts to those around you.

These things and so much more are what I wish for my 3 babies. I don't know how to say all the things that I can feel deep inside my soul for you.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot like Christmas

When I first started thinking about Christmas creeping up on us it caused panic. Absolute panic. I want my kids to have the magic they deserve. A very materialistic perspective. The little people are very excited for Santa. They know the reason we celebrate Christmas. It is heartwarming hearing Caitlin singing Happy Birthday Baby Jesus, at the top of her lungs, or having her turn off the lights to watch the Christmas tree lights blink and say " it's so beautiful." They have gathered and donated an entire 30 gallon trash bag full of stuffed animal to the Bear Fair. They are the best kids.

This isn't the worst Christmas by far. The scariest Christmas was when my husband was diagnosed with Hodgkins disease. We weren't the Pinto's yet. There were no little monsters running around. But I already knew, without a doubt, that I wanted to be his wife. I didn't want to miss the opportunity to be his partner for life, even if it was shortened. God has blessed me in many ways. My husband has been in remission for 10 years. My 3 little monsters were not supposed to happen naturally, thanks to chemo. We beat that. We beat the big "C".

I know we can weather unemployment. We will make it through. We can, and will make this Christmas just as magical as any before. My 3 little monsters guarantee that!

A Little Smile Goes A Long Way

Blogging is slipping again, from the list of things to do. My husband doesn't have a job. We don't have health insurance. I am lucky to have my own job, one that can give me extra hours, because there are always people calling for help. But, I am tired. So, so tired. I know his job loss isn't his fault. Really, I do. But I find myself being so angry and resentful. It seems that only my life has changed. I am working 16 and 24 hour shifts. I am finding that my age is creeping up on me. My knees are sore, my back is sore and I am weary. I want to cry. I know that I am not the only person, mother, wife to feel like this. But sometimes it feels like I am so alone. I miss my babies so badly yet I get short tempered and snap at them. I want to halt time so they can stay little for just a moment longer and yet I want them to get older so I can come in from work at 7am and go to sleep. Depression sucks. Even if all were right in my little world it would still be there creeping in like a serpent trying to suck me down into it's deep, dark, vacuum. My babies are happy, they are healthy, we do have a roof over our heads, heat comes from our furnace, water runs cool or warm. We have enough to eat. I know it could be so much worse.

We splurged big time last Friday and took the kids to see Arthur Christmas. They all got a box of candy (from 5 Below) and we shared a large soda and popcorn. They all loved it and wore their 3D glasses and it almost made me feel completely better for having missed Thanksgiving with them because I worked.

Alex is totally our comedian. He has made me want to strangle him and laugh out loud in the exact same moment from his antics. As I scolded my oldest for inappropriate behavior at the dining room table, Alex says " hey Mommy, you be nice to Anthony." So, I sternly tell my Alex, " you are being fresh, you do not talk to Mommy or Daddy like that, do not talk back." To which Alex slaps his forehead while saying " wooont woont woont!" " I am a secret agent." "Yes, Alex you are a secret agent!" And a Mimja Mommy, a mimja fireman.

At least he made me smile again :o)

My secret agent, ninja fireman wearing his 3D glasses at his first movie!

A Little of this and that

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They are Worth Every Minute

It's 4 am, I am on hour 21 of a straight 24 hour shift on the ambulance. It's a sort of tucked away part of me that I don't really share about. To have this job is unlike many others. There is some reward, when helping those truly in need. Often though it thankless and grueling. People call, we go. It doesn't matter why they call we have to go. We have to take them to a hospital no matter the reason. Many take advantage of the system and don't have true medical need for calling us. It is this part of the job, it is a large part, it is the ingratitude and misuse of a system of help me and do what I want that makes this a torturous job. Selfishness is ripe in this world. Too many people think only of themselves and not of others. What if family, neighbors and friends truly cared for each other and truly supported each other? Children would not be left in cold, dirty basements to fend for themselves. Children would not gnaw on their pizza crust sitting next to trash with roaches crawling across their dirty, tiny, chubby little feet while momma screams and tantrums because the babydaddy called the police because she went crazy when he showed up after months of not being there. These people would know how to treat each other with respect, they would care for their children because they have self respect and pride. There would be no dead baby that ate the "oxy" that he found when he was crawling across the filthy floor. Teenage girls, babies themselves would not be having babies that they do not know how to care for. Someone would help these girls learn how to parent through the stress.

A 16 year old shot an 18 year old, over drugs. He was lying in the gutter, nearly dead, in a nice part of town. The neighbors are horrified because things like that don't happen around here. Yet the lady with her bags, her dirty hair, her mumblings and stumblings are ignored by these people daily until she plops down on their front lawn in her blank, numb, confused I can no longer walk straight today or tell you who I am or where I am binge. She has no money and no support system and the system fails again.

She is an old woman, he is an old man. They are very sick and love each other very much. He can not take care of her but refuses to give in to the need to have her placed in a minimally staffed, over crowded, not enough of anything to go around nursing home, because really noone is nursing her or adequately caring for her or ministering to he basic needs as he so selflessly does here in their tiny basement apartment and when she slips and falls we come and help her back up because he can not and they refuse any other offer of care because at least here they have each other and that love is worth more to them than a system that will fail because they will not be able to stay together, no one will help her to the bathroom as soon as she needs to go, she will sit and wait and soil herself and feel shame and helplessness and he will be unable to to bear that sight. So they sit night after night and wait until the aide comes in the morning, for the few hours the medicare will cover, and then he will nap and try to rest assured that for a few hours they are both ok.

And soon I will finally get to go home and see their smiling faces and bright eyes and grumpy morning faces and that makes it all worth it.