An end of an Era

When I reflect on my life it seems that there is the before kids and kids era. Before kids I had my dogs. Jake and Lexi. From the time I got Jake as an 8 week old puppy, I rarely went anywhere without him. He was my best friend. I was God in his eyes, there isn't a whole lot more in this life that gives the same kind of love and devotion. When I bought my house, I adopted Lexi. She and Jake became an instant pair. He was the wise professor and she the class clown. But I loved them dearly. After my babies came along, I still loved Jake and Lexi very much. I continued to keep them as close and constant companions. Jake loved my babies, each of them. He watched, waited was patient. Lexi wasn't a fan of the kids, but never once was anything but patient. Patient when she was crawled on and pulled on. Patient when she just got comfortable and then got banged into with a dump truck. Jake and Lexi have become such a part of me and my life that I don't know how I am going to fill the void. Jake is gone, he has been for 2 years and there isn't a day that goes by that I want him to run to me and flop his head in my lap. Now, my Lexi is 8 years old, and she is sick. I don't have any good answers yet, but I am not ready for her to leave. Every part of my being is screaming that I am not ready for the symbols of my before marriage and kids life to be gone.Let's have some more goof ball while we have the chance ok Lex?

Leaves and Children and Dogs, Oh My!

The weather was beautiful here on the east coast port for our Ark. I decided to get the kids and husband out to rake leaves and clean up the yard. My kids think raking leaves is fantastic. Usually, I start raking into 2 or 3 piles situated in strategic locations throughout the lawn. This takes awhile and really is not a favorite task of mine, you see, none of the leaves belong to me. Not a single, solitary tree on my property. I have the leaves, they all fall into my yard. Nobody elses yard. But, the kids, oh the kids love leaves! I fear this time of year, see our dogs - remember those inhabitants of the ark, they poop and pee in the yard. We (yard boy and I) diligently muck up the solids on a daily basis, but really, where do they think the liquid goes? Ugh, into the leaves and grass, and dirt, oh my.

No. No. No. We cannot, will not, you WON'T jump into leaf piles. THERE IS PEE AND POOP HIDING IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

 

 

And dogs named Boo Boo hide in the leaves too!

Why Blog?

This is the question of the hour. I have told a total of one other person that I was writing a blog. Why? Do you want people watching you, our kids? Well, do you have a group? ( A what?) I have even asked myself, am I grasping at something? Grasping for people, their attention? Grasping at a link to the real world outside of this ark? So, I sat and thought about this for a long time. Wasted time thinking. I do that well. I can worry the handle off of a spigot.

I have struggled over last year with a deep depression. It is a deep,heavy weight in the center of my torso. It sits and feels like a muddy cement, keeping me from really living this life, my life. It kept me from enjoying my kids, my critters, my marriage. Slowly, I have pulled away from the sludge in the middle. Partly through the discovery that, THERE ARE OTHER MOM'S who have the same trials and struggles. It made me feel validated to know that I am not the only mother who really doesn't want to be mommy every single second of every single day.

My hope is that getting some of my thoughts and struggles out of my head and into a more concrete form will help me never get back to the dark, low place that I sat in. I sat in this place and really though I was the worst kind of person, the kind of person who had happy, beautiful children but did not want to do it for another second. It's ok to want, need, desperately crave a break from it all. And is so sweetly satisfying to know that other women, other mothers feel the exact same way.

There is fun to be had during the day, there are crazy things that go on. There is frustration. They are getting older. I prayed for it, desperately pleaded for them to get older, so it would get easier. Well, they did, it is.

 

Going to the Store

This morning was rainy and I was not a fan of getting out of bed.  I don't do mornings.  Hate morning.  So, this morning Anthony and Caitlin ( previously referred to as Yard Boy, Ark Girl) both have school, YAY.  Thank God that Joe had been on call last night and was able to take both kids to school because I hate mornings.  He got up with Anthony, dressed him and took him to school and I didn't even know that it had happened.  I became vaguely aware that it was morning (ugh) when I heard Caitlin tell him that she couldn't wear those pants because they " pinch me."  Seriously, could it really be that time already, I just went to bed?  Although I was still in an "I don't want to get up funk," I realized that there was about to be some serious little girl getting dressed for school drama with Daddy so I got up and found them both with their heads in her closet.  Sigh.  Seriously, you have to tell her what she can wear, " but she's a girl", and?  If you don't tell her what she can wear, she'll be in a tutu and nothing else.  I averted crisis by selecting her " ballerina" and letting her pick from 2 shirts, handed daddy the tights ( mistake) and then went to go pee. (It is morning.)  I come back to find her mostly dressed, standing up trying to shove her legs into the tights,( insert scrunching up the legs instructions with blank stare from daddy here.)  Done, good I can go back to bed.  Nope, " mommy daddy mommy daddy" in a sing songy voice from the crib in the boys room. UGH.  It is almost 9 am, maybe I should get the poor boy up. And bring him into my bed to watch cartoons. Not, he is hungry and wants milk.  OK rainy day, I guess I am up and should be productive since Joe has gotten 2 kids ready and off to school today.
So, I dilly dally ( drink coffee, check e-mail etc etc etc) and realize holy CRUD it's 11am and I need to get my butt dressed to pick Catie up from school.  I hate mornings, especially when they are rainy.
( Alex is dressed, has had his milk and 2 banana's and we have brought his tools and work bench up from the basement - see I was productive.) 
We pick Catie up from school and I still don't want to go to the store although I don't have a lot of food to speak of.  So, off to the wholesale club we go.  Mind me, I realize I could have done this with only one child in tow but I guess I don't know better by now. Or I was having a really bad morning.
We get an awesome spot at the store, it's raining, we are right next to the carts, jackpot!  Get out of car, grab semi-dry cart and position it next to the car. Unbuckle kids from car seats, plop them both in the back of the cart and give Catie the umbrella to hold over her and Alex, mad giggles from them both, and we make it into the store without a hitch!!! 
" I'm hungry" says Catie
" hungry" says Alex
Ok, snack stand.  Do you want a pretzel or a hot dog. " Popcorn" says Catie. No, do you want a pretzel or hot dog, those are your choices. "Popcorn" says Catie.  Note the guy behind me in line butts right in front and says to the lady 1 hotdog please.  " Pet-zel" says Alex, "POPCORN".  No. "POPCORN"  Can I have 2 pretzels, "2 dollars." says the cashier, AND AN ICEE please, "3 dollars", " HOW BOUT A WATER TOO?"  Seriously, I am the only person in line you don't have to cart the girl around can you be a little more patient with us?  I hand a pretzel to Alex, take a bite out of mine and Catie finally says " hawt dawg" in a low, clearly not happy with the situation pout.  " And a hot dog please!"  ( Now there is a line forming)  I hand over the hot dog and pay the impatient cashier lady and the nice man behind me says " she dropped her hot dog."  WTF?  Lovely cashier lady is now ignoring me as I say excuse me can I have just one more hot dog, Alex is shreaking because he has spotted the empty icee cup and seriously, why am I at this place?  The nice man behind us, somehow procures us a new and free hot dog, get the icee filled and commence with shopping.  Now, they are fighting over the icee, she doesn't want to try on the winter jacket that I specifically came to this store to find, and she drops the damn " hawt dawg" again. Here EAT MY PRETZEL.  Still fighting over the damn icee.  Get the crap I need, go to the SELF CHECK OUT so I don't have to deal with any more impatient employees.  Insert debit card to pay. Rejected. Try again, I know there is money in there I checked. Rejected. Line forming. Try again. Rejected. AREYOUKIDDINGMEIKNOWIHAVEMONEYINTHERE. Press button to cancel sale because the damn card isn't working and I know there is money in there.  So, a new lady comes to help and suggests I try again or use cash - seriously would I be using the card if I had the cash in my hand. Lightbulb! use the mac machine. MAC rejects my request for cash. Are you kidding me? I assured the nice lady that I would come right back over with my cash and complete the purchase.  Try again. nada.  How 'bout the savings account, oh yeah I meant to transfer the money to the checking account this morning when I was on the computer doing nothing other than drink coffee wilst brooding over the fact that it was morning and I needed to get out of bed...

Some Arkeology

"The Ark" was a term that my brood sort of seemed to aquire somewhere along the way, waaaayyy before I added a husband and kids to my world.  You see, I have always been "an animal person."  Since I was a little kid, I would do anything to have pets and save as many critters as I could.  Many pigeons did not survive, much as I tried to save the little things.  Squirrels were on the list too.  A few survived and a few didn't.  My father for some reason was not a big fan of my penchant for dragging the critters home to be saved.  Maybe they kicked and screamed saying "I'm ok.."  At any rate, my first rescued kitty was named Peanut Butter, I was 16 and working at our local rectory and she was there, a little tortie girl all of about 8 weeks old, and they were going to call animal control, "oh no you don't" I said.  I told my poor father it was a gift from the pastor, thrilled he was.  Ah, but Peanut was the best first rescue.  She was a constant companion and quite an oddball.  She had a very strange and distinctive meowow that was reserved for me calling her name.  Eventually she learned the sound of my totally awesome honda civic,( the go cart :o)) and would meet me at the door when I came in. Awesomeness to have a cat-dog!  It went on from there!  Downhill if you were my parents and uphill if you were me.  I love the critters and the ark was open for business! 


Fastforward about 5 years and I met the man I knew was going to be my husband.  There was a problem see, he didn't have any pets.  I introduced the ark mates and told him this was his opportunity to leave. He stayed -- the fool. No, seriously. He did.  I had Peanut the cat, and Jake the million dollar dog as he was dubbed by those who had labeled me the ark dweller.  Jake was my first puppy. He was my best friend. If you're an animal person you get that, if you aren't you don't and just won't.  Jake got sick as a puppy and the treatment cost over $100 a month as long as he was going to live.  He was worth it!  I'll properly introduce the Jakeman another time.

Now-time.  The ark is full up.  I am the Momma of the ark.  There is a begrudged Dad of the ark, but I still call bullshit because I gave him his out a long time ago, and I wouldn't have tried to convince him to stay if he walked.  Then there are the ark kids, 5 year old son who loves the puppies and suddenly thinks yard poop duty is a great game -  have at it yard boy!  Ark daughter, 3 years old.  Loves her fish.  Loves the kitties.  Everything else is smelly and she doesn't want to deal.  She is going to have a really tough sail on the ark, because keeping afloat is an all hands required operation.  Finally, our youngest Ark Boy, 2 years old.  He is the main reason that Ark Dad grumbles on a daily basis about the furry inhabitants of the ark.  2 year old little boys eat everything off the floor, and have in the past danced in puddles of puppy pee, poked at cat vomit, gross yes, but an inherent risk of Ark life.  He's my crazy man though and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

The Ark critters--  Lexi, a german shepherd I adopted from a humane society as soon as I bought my house, er Ark.  First time Ark Dad was faced with the facts that he readily agreed to beforehand, I don't want to hear it- you were warned.  She was 6 months old, gorgeous and completely mentally deficient of the intelligence that the breed is supposed to possess. Oops.  We didn't really need the couch she chewed through, and the shoes she ate were taking up space anyway.  Prozac, Valium and long walks finally made life easier, for Lexi, not Ark Dad.  Tabby, a tabby colored kitty that grandmom found and decided would be welcomed on the ark. Sure thing. Not a chance I am saying no Ark Dad, go back to your computer. Boo Boo is about 5 years old.  She was adopted from Sixth Angel Shepherd Rescue, inc.  She is a beautiful, loyal, sweet, loving girl who had a horrendous life before she was saved.  Domino, black cat, found as a kitten in the Pocono's. No, I could not just leave her there.  Ark Dad protested because Ark daughter was only 2 months old.  It's a kitten, food and litter and it's all good.  The latest additions are Oreo and Lulu. Lulu is Ark Dad's precious little british short hair kitten -  oh no, no mangy mutt like kitten for Ark Dad - he ark's in style!  Oreo was adopted from a rescue group to asuage some of Ark Mom's guilt about buying a cat. Period.  Lulu is a bad bad bad kitty.  Oreo is not. So there! 

The past residents of the ark are the main reason this ark, will always hold ark status.  They will get their own special place of honor on the Ark blog, but seriously I can't figure this damn blogger business out so I am sure it will take awhile. 

So, a LOOONG introduction and I am sure I will hate it as soon as I decide to post it.  But in a nutshell, there are the nuts.